Race Preference in Adoption

by ARP columnist Natasha Sky

This American Life aired a piece on NPR–on January 18, 2008–about a Nurse/Actress who worked in toy store FAO Schwartz’s Newborn Nursery (hat tip to Mixed Race America and Land of the Not-So-Calm). Here is the toy store’s promotional quote:

What You Will Experience When You Visit a Newborn Nursery:As you enter the area, you’ll hear sounds of happy baby noises cooing from the nursery viewing area. When you peek through the glass, you’ll see a variety of babies with all different complexions and hair and eye colors. It’s almost too difficult to choose just one bundle of joy to take home! Once you do make your selection, a sales associate dressed like a real nurse, will help you put on your hospital gown. Papers are then completed with the baby’s name, address, and birth date. The “nurse” will carry your baby out of the isolette and will place him or her on a changing table. She’ll conduct a full health examination of your baby and then she’ll teach you how to hold your baby. New “parents” can shop for accessories (including dresses, blankets, shoes and more.) to make their new arrival the prettiest baby on the block!

(There are a lot of things about the way FAO Schwartz handles infant doll adoptions that really bother me, but I am going to focus on adoption and race issues here.)

The 17-minute American Life story is so worth listening to (download the whole “Matchmakers” show here and then fast forward to 41:00 minutes). The narrator is a light-skinned biracial (White and Mexican) woman working as a ‘nurse’. WARNING: PLOT SPOILER AHEAD . . . The dolls/babies begin to move quickly after they are featured on a segment of the TV show ‘Rich Girls’. Most of the ‘adopting mothers’ (approximate age: 7 years old) are White. Not surprisingly (to me at least), FAO Schwartz sells out of all the White baby dolls–within weeks of Christmas. The doll factory is back-ordered until mid-January. FAO Schwartz’s doll nursery has only minority Babies of Color available for sale adoption.

After the White babies are gone, then the Asian babies sell out. Next to go are the light brown (Latino/Hispanic, Native American, multiracial?) babies. The nursery is then full of Black babies–along with one factory-rejected White doll (with melted-together fingers that make its hands look like flippers). The unsellable factory-reject White floor-model doll is purchased adopted when there is an entire ‘nursery’ full of perfect Black babies dolls available.
Nothing about this story surprises me; it is simply play (some would say art) imitating life. I’m going to talk about supply and demand here. Let’s pretend we’re just talking about the FAO Schwartz doll nursery.

The people paying for the dolls/adoption are (for the most part) wealthy White parents, with White daughters choosing their baby to adopt doll. The parents want their daughter to have a White doll. Most of the daughters want a White doll. When all the White dolls have already been sold adopted by other little-girl-mothers, the racial hierarchy of doll-adoption flows the same way it does for children in real life. (Although in real life there is also the parallel gender-preference hierarchy. In the toy nursery, the ‘adoptive mothers’ simply state that their dolls/babies are girls. In real life, the adoptive parents request girls and the boys just wait.)
Here’s a real-life paralell example: a site that hosts pre-adoptive parent profiles*, families waiting for domestic–usually infant–adoption (NOTE: this site only accepts heterosexual, married couples–and most are Christian as well). Of the hundreds of currently listed waiting families:

88% would ‘accept’ a White baby
33% would ‘accept’ a South American or Hispanic baby
28% would ‘accept’ an Asian baby
26% would ‘accept’ a Native American baby
14% would ‘accept’ a Black baby

I ran these same stats for an article I wrote two years ago, and the numbers were just about the same. For biracial babies (White/____) the numbers of families willing to ‘accept’ a child rises. Adoptive parents still think raising a part-White biracial child will be easier, less complicated, than raising a ‘full’ (for example) African American child. (Ha!)
There are also the corollary international adoption statistics. The top 10 ’sending’ countries for 2006 provided U.S. families with 18,290 new children through international adoption. By region of the world, these children are from:

43% from Asia (China, Korea, India)
26% from Eastern Europe (Russia, Kazakhstan, Ukraine)
24% from Central and South America (Guatemala, Colombia)
7% from Africa (Ethiopia, Liberia)

The parts of this doll adoption story that strike deep inside me echo the same heart-issues I have with race and adoption in real life. Although transracial adoption should not be taken lightly (At all!), I have been kept up many a night thinking of all those Children of Color waiting for adoptive families, all those pregnant women seeking families for their unborn Children of Color. When will skin color and race be just one more thing we see when we look at someone (like their gender or their height)? When will light skin stop being a tally in the ‘plus’ category and dark skin a tally in the ‘minus’ category? If we as transracially adoptive parents are not expected (or able) to get past this light/dark skin-tone scale, who will?

I remember one pre-adoptive parent I was working with who was considering switching from the willing-to-accept-a-White-baby-only category to the ‘biracial’ category. This parent had a potential ‘match’ and wanted to know if their unborn biracial child would look ‘more White or more Black’. I gave the standard multiracial-children-come-in-all-shades response. But what I really wanted to say was, “If you have to ask that question, I don’t think you get it.” Black/White biracial is Black. If a parent can’t accept a ‘full’ Black child as their own, how can they embrace the Black-ness of a biracial child? As a country, we must be willing, no, committed to discussing race and racism and White privilege–as they relate to adoption and foster care (and to everything else).

Although I believe that no one should adopt a child they do not feel prepared to parent (race/ethnicity or known special needs), becoming a parent is not a multiple choice menu. Just because parents engineer their child to be what they desire or (in the case of adoptive parents) are ‘willing to accept’–that does not by any means guarentee the menu-selected individual will be the child those parents receive (through birth or adoption). When you have children, you get what you get–much of your child is unknown no matter how you build your family. The unknowns involved in building a family are both magical and scary, but IMO worth all the risk.
* NOTE: Finding accurate statistics for domestic adoption is impossible. Statistics are collected for almost all states for foster care adoption, but infant adoption is regulated by individual states, and neither states nor the federal government collect these statistics.

Natasha Sky is a multiracial woman, a writer, an artist, and an activist—as well as the fulltime mother of four young multiracial children. Two of her children joined her family through open domestic adoption and two of her children joined her family through homebirth. Natasha created MultiracialSky.com, a website of resources for multiracial families. During naptime, she blogs about multiracial family life.

You Know You're An Adoptive Parent IF...

I just saw this on another blog and it rings so true for us.

You Know You're An Adoptive Parent IF...
1. The fact that there are 143 million children without a parent to kiss them goodnight has made you lose sleep.
2. You realize DNA has nothing to do with love & family.
3. You can't watch Adoption Stories on TLC without tears.
4. The fact that, if 7% of Christians adopted 1 child there would be no orphans in the world, is convicting to you.
5. You spend free time surfing blogs about families who've experienced the blessing of adoption.
6. It drives you crazy when people ask you about adopted child's "real" parents.
7. You were "pregnant" with your adoptive children longer than it takes an elephant to give birth (2 years!)
8. You'd no idea how you'd afford to adopt, but stepped out in faith anyway, knowing He'd provide (He did!)
9. You've taken an airplane half-way around the world to meet your child
10. You believe God's heart is for adoption.
11. You realize that welcoming a child into your heart & family is one of the most important legacies you could ever leave on this earth.
12. You know what the word "Dossier" means & you can actually pronounce it correctly!
13. You've welcomed a social worker into the most private parts of your life.
14. You shudder when people say your child's so lucky that you adopted them, knowing full well you're the blessed one to have him or her in your life.

*Borrowed from http://theboysadoption.blogspot.com/ (2/14/08)

Is Yours the Black Kid?

It's always funny seeing people trying to be PC about our transracial family. It's like everyone is scared to say the word "black" or describe him in those terms. I am constantly chuckling to myself when people will say, "is that your son over there, with the blue shirt, and jeans?" or "is your son the one with dreadlocks?". Particularly because in most scenarios here in vanilla OC, he is the one-and-only black child in a 20-mile radius. So why does it seems so weird just to cut to the chase and say, "the black one. Mine is the black kid".

And yet . . . wouldn't that make you kinda cringe to hear? But why? Why would I need to dance around a descriptive term that we all understand? Why does it seem crude to describe him in terms of his race, which is the most obvious feature, when everyone else feels fine to describe their children by other obvious features (the redhead, the blonde, the one with two pigtails).

Anyways, yesterday there was a new mom at our playgroup, and for the first time since we adopted him, someone just asked the obvious. She looked at the kids and turned to me and said, "is yours the black kid?". And after a little nervous chuckle, and amidst the stares of several mortified moms, I said, "yes, mine's the black kid". And in my mind I was thankful for this one person who felt that Jafta's being black was just a simple question, and nothing more.

The Myth of the Colorblind Kid

DEF: xenophopbia [zen-uh-foh-bee-uh] noun : a fear of that which is unknown, typically used to describe general dislike of people different from oneself.

I used to like the idea that kids are colorblind. I love the vision of American being this great melting pot where kids of every race play together in perfect harmony. I think we are getting there. But as my kids are getting older, I've begun to realize that children do, in fact, notice race. I've even had the sinking feeling as I've observed playground interactions that Jafta is sometimes excluded because he looks different. When he is with his long-time friends who know him well, this is not the case. But when he is the new kids on the playground, kids are very wary of playing with him, where they may be more welcoming of another white child. He had a really difficult time with being left out at his very vanilla preschool at first, and I think this was a factor, too.

I thought I was just being paranoid until I started doing some research on it. A simple seach on race and exclusion yielded dozens of recent studies on the impact of race in preschool and elementary school. The findings were scary: race is one of the biggest factors in children being left out by their peers. It's as impactful as gender, physical differences, and even cognitive ability.

I'm not sure why I was so naive to think my own kids didn't notice these differences. I feel like I have done a good job of exposing my kids to lots of cultural diversity. But they let me know in subtle ways. I was mortified when my son pointed to a Mexican man who was bagging our groceries and asked what that gardener was doing. He also yells "hey neighbor" to any woman he sees wearing a head covering, because there is a Muslim woman who lives across the street. And my daughter? At only 18 months old, she displayed her observation of racial differences. We attend a gospel choir rehearsal at an African American church, and my daughter begins enthusiastically singing one of the songs every time she sees a group of Black people. Um, awkward!

The truth is, at the age that most children begin to notice gender differences, they also begin to notice race. I think many of us are unaware of this, because it can be subject we inadvertently avoid. We want our kids to be "colorblind", so we pretend not to notice differences and encourage them do to the same. But in doing so, we might miss some important conversations. (Like pointing out that not ALL Mexicans are gardeners). If we avoid the subject, we leave our kids to their own assumptions that are often based on a lack of exposure.

I have a few friends who decided to broach the subject of race with their children, and they were shocked at what they found. One child expressed how glad she was that her skin was light because lighter was prettier. Another child said, point-blank, that he didn't like kids with brown skin. Another parent decided to just observe her son at their next park outing. She watched her child allow a white child into the circle to share sand toys, but tell a Mexican child he had to play elsewhere.

Now, let me point out that these are not bad, abnormal, or cruel kids. These are sweet kids from amazing families, just expressing a typical (albeit flawed) developmental preference for similarity. A child who is wary of children who look different is not a racist in the making, any more than a child who wants to play with kids of their own gender is a budding sexist. These are normal developmental stages. However, like many "normal" childhood traits (impulsivity, selfishness, etc), this brand of xenophobia may need some gentle guidance and education from parents.

So what's a parent to do? Here are a few things we've been trying at my house:


1. Take an inventory of your home's diversity. Are your toys sending a subtle message? Make it a point to buy dolls and action figures of every race. Watch how your kids react.


2. Be intentional in showing your children positive examples of other races in the media they watch. Some great examples are Go, Diego, Go!, Little Bill, Ni Hao, Kai-Lan, Dora the Explorer, and Cooking for Kids with Luis.

3. Take inventory of your own racial biases. Be careful with the language you use around your children. Avoid making stereotypical statements or racial jokes in front of your children. (or better yet, don't do it at all).


4. Look for opportunities to immerse your family in other cultures. Try to find situations where your family is the minority. This is a great stretching and empathy building opportunity for you and your kids. Try attending a minority church event or a cultural festival. Again, observe your child's reactions and open a dialogue about how that feels.

5. Read books that depict children from other races and countries. Some of our favorites are We're Different, We're the Same, The Colors of Us , and Whoever You Are (Reading Rainbow Book) . For an incredible list of multi-cultural children's books, check out Shades of Love at Shelfari.com.

6. Just observe. Watch how your children plays with children who are different, whether it be skin color, gender, disability, or physical differences. Talk about it. Let your child know that you are a safe person to process their feelings and reactions with, while at the same time guiding them to accept children with differences.

7. Lead by example. Widen your circle of friends and acquaintances to include people from different backgrounds, cultures and experiences.

Why I am Unabashedly Pro-Obama

I don't really have much political alliance to any party. I feel that both parties are polarized and neither represents my values across the board. But I am seriously pulling for Obama, in a crazy-obsessed kind of way. Not because he's the best candidate (though he may be). My allegiance is based on pure, illogical emotion. Because really, I am wanting him to win because he is Black.

Raising a Black son, I feel that there are so few positive role models for him. I mean, name five famous Black people. How many of those people that come to mind are upstanding citizens that you would want your kid to emulate? So I dream about what it would be like for my son to see an African American man as the president as he grows up. The PRESIDENT. The leader of the free world. What possibilities will he think himself capable of under that example? How would this shape his view of Black men? How would this shape his view of himself?

I have no idea how an Obama presidency will shape our country, but I have high hopes for how it might shape my son.